Sears

To Mark, the most wonderful son in the world, and to Trina, Dad, Joan, and Bob-you're the best. -CW

Introduction: Stepping Up to the Plate

If someone asked you what you wanted most out of life, what would you say? One of the deepest longings of people everywhere is to have a great relationship, especially in the form of a great marriage. No matter what their background, age, or circumstances, most adults on the planet yearn for the love, fun, acceptance, and deep connection that can come from a happy, lifelong relationship.

Do you dream of having a great marriage? It's a good dream to have. A great, forever marriage is a wonderful thing to be part of, and can enrich your life. The question is, though, how do you turn your dream into reality?

This book was written to help you bring your dream closer. In it we've condensed everything we've learned from our 25 years of marital research and experience into a 12-hour program that will help you develop and protect a loving relationship. Whether you are happily married and want to stay that way, having issues you'd like help with, or planning to marry and want to know how to preserve all the great things about your relationship, the information in this book can help you make it happen.

Just 12 hours to a great marriage? We understand if you're a little skeptical. We want to say right up front that it's going to take more than 12 hours to develop a happy, deeply satisfying, loving, lasting marriage. In fact, you and your partner are going to have to commit to a lifetime of teamwork to have the relationship you really want. But the approximately 12 hours it takes to read this book and do the exercises can put you well on your way to making your dream come true.

If you're like most people, though, it might be hard for you to find even 12 hours to devote to this program. Life just keeps getting busier and busier. But if you want to celebrate your 50th wedding anniversary some day, carving out 12 hours now to help you make sure those 50 years are good ones doesn't seem like too much to ask.

To help you out, we've set things up so you don't have to find the 12 hours all at once. We've organized this book so you can work on its easy-to-understand, proven program just one hour at a time, one chapter at a time. We think you'll find each hour so full of real help and inspiration that you'll make the time to do all 12 hours soon. But you don't have to stay up all night or go without food to get under way.

THINKING IN NEW WAYS

Taking it an hour at a time is a wonderful way to start creating your dream partnership. So is thinking about marriage in a way you've probably never thought about it before-like (are you ready?) a great game of baseball!

Baseball? Baseball and marriage? Yes. Definitely. After working with thousands of couples to improve their relationships and prevent divorce, we think a good game of baseball has a whole lot in common with marriage. Here's what we've found they have in common:

To succeed, you've got to work as a team.

Each player must cover his or her own position.

You've got to play by the rules.

Good strategy can make the difference between winning and losing.

All players need to keep up their skills.

It's possible to strike out, but with hard work and determination you can hit a home run.

Unsportsmanlike behavior can get you benched or thrown out.

Sometimes you have to sacrifice.

You're supposed to have a good time.

There's no spitting allowed. (OK, we wish there were no spitting allowed.)

Do you see what we mean? Marriage and baseball really do have a lot in common. So as you work with this program, we suggest you think of baseball as a helpful comparison. By stepping up to the plate, digging in, and following the proven strategies you're going to learn here, your team can have a championship season.

WHY CAN IT BE HARD TO MAKE LOVE LAST?

Experts often tell us that it's easy to fall in love but hard to stay there. But why should it be hard if lifelong love is what we desire?

The answer is that, since World War II, the institution of marriage has changed enormously. Before that time, the divorce rate was low: only adultery and abandonment were reasons to end a marriage. Men and women also had similar expectations about the roles they would play and the way they'd raise their family.

Today, things are much different. Women's roles have changed and expanded. People are more mobile, and much less likely to live near family or friends. And expectations for romance and passion have skyrocketed. For many people, there's a big gap between what they have and what they think they should have.

It's also gotten easier to end a marriage. That's good when the marriage is destructive. But it has also caused couples to believe that no marriage works well for the long term, so their marriage must be hopeless too.

Considering all these changes, it's not hard to see why many couples don't achieve the happy, committed marriage they long for.

What is the impact of not having these deep longings met in marriage? For many couples, it means feeling stressed, overwhelmed, and unsure. It also means that, to handle all the new choices and new issues marriage now involves, partners have to negotiate with each other. And the way they handle conflict and differences-part of all relationships -has a huge effect on the state of their marriage and the survival of their happiness. In other words, because conflict in any long-term relationship is inevitable, you have to figure out how to manage disagreements and solve problems in a way that protects and preserves your love.

WE'RE GOING TO COACH YOU

In our clinical practices, we've seen many once-happy couples ruin their marriage by fighting in destructive ways. We've also heard them say that they wished they'd learned what we're teaching in this program much earlier in their lives.

Although nearly half of all marriages today end in divorce, yours doesn't have to be one of them. If you use the research-based, field-tested marriage enhancement strategies in this book, you can prevent divorce. You can increase your happiness.

So think of this book, and us, as your coach. We're going to help you develop your relationship skills, deepen your motivation, and improve your chances of having a happier and richer life with your partner, now and in the future.

OUR WINNING PROGRAM

Just what is this book based on? It's based on a program called PREP, which stands for the Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program. We developed PREP after years of in-depth research to show engaged and married couples how to build strong and happy marriages. We've used it to train, counsel, and coach thousands of couples in workshops and seminars over the years, most often through a 12-hour program like the one featured here. Our program has helped couples learn the skills and attitudes that our research shows lead to good relationships, and now we want to help you.

PREP's track record is great: we've helped many couples build their friendship, enhance their commitment, boost their fun, and reduce the negatives that can damage closeness. Because they work so well, our materials are used all around the world. Here in the United States, they're used in community settings, by government agencies, in religious institutions, and throughout the branches of the U.S. military. We're certain they're so successful because they're based on sound research findings from many respected social scientists as well as the continuing research we conduct at the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver. They offer simple, straightforward knowledge that you can use to make a difference in your marriage.

Our approach isn't magic. And it isn't therapy or counseling. It's a program that tells you about, and has you practice, a number of simple, effective strategies to develop and protect the love and happiness you want in your relationship. It's a program to help you better your marriage and prevent divorce.

FOUR HALLMARKS OF A GREAT MARRIAGE

Research has shown that the happiest, most deeply contented couples have four things in common, though they may demonstrate them in different ways:

1. They share friendship and love in many ways.

2. They treat each other with kindness and respect.

3. Both partners do their own part.

4. They're committed to staying together, even when it's no bed of roses.

We'll talk more about these ideas in Hours 1 through 12. But here, in a nutshell, is a bit about each.

Your Field of Dreams

Remember the movie Field of Dreams? In it Kevin Costner plays a husband and father who is moved by mysterious forces to build a baseball field in Iowa. Even if you haven't seen the movie, you may remember the line, "If you build it, they will come." One way we summarize the four hallmarks of a great marriage is by using a baseball field. At first base, we have protecting and sharing friendship and love. Second base is treating each other respectfully when dealing with conflict. Third base is commitment to your marriage-keeping your relationship in first place. At the pitcher's mound is the centerpiece: doing your own part. If you build your field of dreams, you will always be "safe at home."

Sharing Friendship and Love

When we ask people what they want in a lifelong mate, they often say, "A best friend." Most of us long for a partner who will love us and accept us no matter what.

Friendship is essential to a great marriage. In fact, friendship sustains marriage as much as passion does-maybe more. Romantic passion is wonderful, and later in the book we'll give you lots of ways to keep it alive. But there is probably no better way to keep love strong in your marriage than through friendship.

Treating Your Partner with Kindness and Respect

All of us want to be honored and treated well-especially by our partner. But in reality most of us honor least the ones we love the most. When we get mad or frustrated or disappointed, we often take it out on the person closest to us. (We see you nodding!) And our research shows that couples who put each other down and are hostile to each other are the most likely to develop serious problems.

Problems are going to come up in every marriage. That's something you can count on. But when conflicts come up between the two of you, you don't have to react to them with anger or disrespect. And they don't have to put your marriage at risk. The approaches we teach in this book will show you how to prevent or stop destructive ways of handling conflict. They'll also show you how to solve problems with kindness, generosity, and good will-without your being afraid to say what you really think or worry about what might happen.

In other words, our methods for handling conflict should make you feel emotionally and physically safe-and that's essential for having a deeply connected, loving relationship.

Knowing and Doing Your Part

To give your marriage the best chance to succeed, each of you needs to work on your part of the relationship. For example, if you think your spouse is being unfair to you, instead of yelling or doing something unfair back, you should do the most constructive thing you can think of. Your partner's poor behavior mustn't keep you from doing your all for the team-unless you're constantly being victimized. Then you need to seek out other help. (See Getting More Help When There Are Serious Problems at the end of the book.)

Your partner's bad behavior also shouldn't justify bad behavior of your own. Far too often people feel justified hurting their loved ones because they feel hurt themselves.

Because your team is made up of two individuals, each of you will have the most control over your relationship by controlling your own thoughts and actions within it. But if you think you have to understand your behavior before you can control it, don't worry. Although it can be good to know why you do the things you do, you don't have to understand it completely right now.

Instead, you can start by being the best friend and partner you can be and acting in a loving way. Then, as you learn more, you can show your love in even more effective ways. Work to identify and decrease negative behaviors and increase positive ones. And remember that one part of loving well is accepting your partner for who he or she is.

The quizzes and exercises in each hour will help you learn to do your part as well as how to work together better as a team. We'll also give you advice on things that are best done together.

Three Important Ways to Do Your Part

1. Regularly do things that will please your partner. It can be as simple as rubbing her back after a long day at her desk, if that's something you know she enjoys. Or it can be surprising him with tickets-for both of you-to see his favorite team's next home game.

2. Let negative or annoying comments roll off you. If something needs to be dealt with, do it when both of you are calm and you can discuss it in a constructive way.

3. Be the best person you can be. Take responsibility for your own issues, personal growth, appearance, and health. Make the effort to take good care of yourself and improve yourself, for your own sake and the sake of your marriage.

Committing to Staying Together

When they marry, many couples think mainly about the here and now-the wedding, the honeymoon, setting up house. But marriage can and should last a lifetime.

Continues...

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Excerpted from 12 Hours to a Great Marriage by Howard J. Markman Scott M. Stanley Natalie H. Jenkins Susan L. Blumberg Carol Whiteley Copyright © 2003 by Howard J. Markman, Scott M. Stanley, Natalie H. Jenkins, Susan L. Blumberg, Carol Whiteley. Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site. Copyright © 2003 Howard J. Markman, Scott M. Stanley, Natalie H. Jenkins, Susan L. Blumberg, Carol Whiteley